Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Welcome to Faces of Fortitude Behind the Lens, A safe space for anyone who's been touched by suicide to share their story in whatever form feels safe for them. Since losing my brother Jimmy to Suicide over a decade ago, I've realized that the more we can normalize and use care in having difficult, sad, and intense conversations, the more welcome people are going to feel with connecting with each other at their scariest moments. It is our hope that when you're faced with your own mortality, maybe at a moment when the pain doesn't feel survivable, you will remember that there was a space where you heard other people sharing similar stories of loss and trauma and resilience. And we hope that that space of survivors reminds you in that moment that you're not alone and you decide to stay and fight just one more day. Now, please help me in welcoming the brave guests to this podcast and treat their vulnerability not just with care, but also with great celebration. Thanks again for being here. Let's get ready to go behind the lens. All right. Welcome back everybody. Welcome back to Behind the Lens. I am here with Facing the Project, and I would say friend and family of the project at this point. Uh, Megan, who is a suicide survivor, Megan lost her father to suicide. You might recognize Megan's voice and Megan's story. Um, recently we shared about how great her community was after her dad died in the small surfing town. But anyways, I just wanted to welcome, first of all, before we get too into it. Megan, thanks for being here.
Speaker 2 00:01:52 Yeah, thanks so much. It definitely feels comfortable with you, like a friend and family.
Speaker 0 00:01:57 Oh, I'm, I'm glad. I feel like, um, it was so long ago that we did your photos. Yeah. And then even sharing again and watching people come out of the woodwork, sharing your story and supporting you, you have quite a amazing community around you.
Speaker 2 00:02:14 Yeah, I got really lucky with that. I definitely did. I grew up in a small, um, beach town community, and we're, everyone knows everyone, and it was definitely a blessing, especially during that time.
Speaker 0 00:02:27 Yeah. And you also have a twin sister, right?
Speaker 2 00:02:30 I do, yeah. She's
Speaker 0 00:02:31 Very, wow. So you have that support too. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:02:34 <laugh>. So I Would you ever feel alone and through it? Never. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:02:40 Well, and I've, I've talked briefly to your sister, and I would love to tell her story too, because like we were talking about off camera, um, your sister's experience is very different from yours.
Speaker 2 00:02:50 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:02:50 And,
Speaker 2 00:02:52 Uh, yeah. Even though we're twins, I feel like we, uh, experienced it different. My sister, you know, she is her, her story, and I have mine, and then I have two older brothers that have theirs. You know, everybody grieves differently too. And what she went through was different than what I went through. Like, my sister was the one to find him. So that's completely different than something I can even imagine. What she went through.
Speaker 0 00:03:17 Oh, it's a huge, it's a huge, uh, they talk about that trauma just being a another layer. Yeah. On top of the trauma of already losing somebody to suicide. So, and I also admitted that I didn't know you had two brothers. Yeah. <laugh>. Um, because when you tell somebody's story, you focus on them. And I think, um, I'd be, I'd be fascinated to hear your brother's stories too. I think that it's, there are four of you, and it's a, it's very unique to each of you.
Speaker 2 00:03:42 Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 0 00:03:44 Well, before we get into things, I wanted to just remind people that this is the extension of Megan's story. This is the extension from what you see on Faces of Fortitude. And to get to this place, you have to be ready to share this much of your story. And I think you're a great example of somebody who's listened to yourself, because I've asked you just, I've, I've planted the seed a few times, and you've always been like, I'm gonna do, I, I'll let you know. I'll think about it. And then you came to me and said, I'm ready. And that means a lot to me because it shows me that you're listening to yourself and you're pacing yourself and doing what you think you can handle at the time. Yeah. So, sure. Big, huge props to, for listening to yourself and having the courage to come here and be on the podcast and share arguably one of the hardest points of your life.
Speaker 2 00:04:36 Yeah. Thank you so much. Even just an honorary, even having me, I am so blessed to be sitting with you. You're just so welcoming and make me feel just very comfortable, you know, and you're, you're one of the first ones who really did push me into opening up about it and feeling that comfort. You know, you're very, a safe space, so thank you. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:04:57 Well, you're welcome. I, I, you're feeling photos are some of my favorite because you talk about your culture and you talk about growing up and how culturally you were just not taught to be overly emotional with each other and how it was. So it made me so honored to share that space when you did have tears, because I could tell they were so rare for you. Yeah. And you were, you were trying so hard <laugh> to control them. Yeah. And, um, but you trusted us with them. And I think that that's, that's amazing. And so this whole space, the whole community, um, has become a very good space for people. So, um, I would love to start this off by setting the stage for people. Yeah. Where, where in the world are we, how old are you? When you wanna start kind of giving us a backstory and who's in the story?
Speaker 2 00:05:51 Okay. Um, well, it starts, my story starts in San Pedro. It's a little beach town. Um, a little blue collar type of town. Every, a lot of my friends, like most of their parents were longshoreman's. I mean, small businesses, just your typical blue collar, hardworking town that everybody knew everyone. Um, and I loved, I loved that feeling. It was very homey. Um, so I could
Speaker 0 00:06:18 How many people were in the town, would you say?
Speaker 2 00:06:21 Uh, I don't know. I'm so bad with that. But our school was like, uh, there was only one, one main high school and, um, one private school.
Speaker 0 00:06:30 So that gives you an idea. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:06:31 Pretty small. There were two main streets that were Oh, wow.
Speaker 0 00:06:34 You know? Okay.
Speaker 2 00:06:35 Tiny. The rest were like side streets. Yeah. Um, but yeah, it was small <laugh>, uh, sorry. Um, I grew up with a twin sister, like you said, two older brothers and a single dad. Um, everyone of my town knew our dad. He was well-respected, always smiled. One of his sayings was always, uh, can't complain, you know, even though we were, we didn't have much. He struggled raising four kids. Uh, so there was definitely stuff he could complain about, but that was his, his just shake it off and can't complain. Life is good. Uh, he taught at a special needs school, so he definitely had patience and was kind tenderhearted with that. He loved martial arts. Um,
Speaker 0 00:07:23 I didn't know he taught at a special needs school. Wow. That just says so much about his temperament and his patience.
Speaker 2 00:07:30 Yeah, for sure. He was, um, definitely a man we'd looked up to, you know?
Speaker 0 00:07:38 Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, yeah.
Speaker 2 00:07:38 Just like kind heart and just always, always taught us to be very humble. But then on the throat side too, he held, we always held our feelings in, you know, like, cuz you couldn't complain. What is there to complain about? You hold that down, you know? Mm-hmm.
Speaker 0 00:07:55 <affirmative>. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:07:55 So that was like a give and take of good and bad for, for him. I feel like he should have been open enough, you know? Right,
Speaker 0 00:08:04 Right. And your brothers are older than you then?
Speaker 2 00:08:06 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:08:08 Okay.
Speaker 2 00:08:08 Yeah, my brothers. So
Speaker 0 00:08:09 It's your new, your twin sister and your older brothers and your dad.
Speaker 2 00:08:13 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:08:14 Wow. Yeah. That is a lot of work for him.
Speaker 2 00:08:17 That was a lot. Yeah. I didn't realize at the time, being a kid of how much pressure that could be on one person. Um, and now only getting older and older. It's like, I wish he was still around to be like, I get it now. You were, you know, I wish he could have been. He was the type of guy that was just so old school that he's the man of the house. He, he gots it, you know, but it's like, you could ask for help, you know? Right. Just, yeah. So that was tough too.
Speaker 0 00:08:49 So, growing up, did you ever have, I mean, I know you've probably heard this question before, but I, I feel like I have to ask it. Did you ever have an idea that your dad struggled? Just emotionally?
Speaker 2 00:09:02 No, I never, um, I never really had an idea. I, I thought, you know, it was growing up too. It, to me it was normal to not talk about how you feel, which then realizing now that's not normal. Like you should, you know? And sure he seems stressed at times, you know, but what I always tell people that I did learn from this, cuz now looking back now, uh, he always smiled and how much a smile can just hide everything like that. And I, I find myself, even my twin, like, all we do is smile. And it's like, you know, I just feel like that can, it does hide your hurt.
Speaker 0 00:09:43 Right.
Speaker 2 00:09:44 Well, looking at him, I just thought, no, like, he, he was a happy guy. Everybody in the town loved him. Everyone knew him. Um, sure he had his, his own stress, you know. But I thought that's, you know, people just, he's an adult
Speaker 0 00:10:00 <laugh>. Right. We all do. Right.
Speaker 2 00:10:02 We're a kid. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:10:04 So were you, was it just you and your sister in the house? Um, how much older were your brothers?
Speaker 2 00:10:11 Uh, one above us, cuz we're the babies. So our next brother, he was two years older than us. And then our other one is three years older than us.
Speaker 0 00:10:21 Okay. So when all of this started happening, um, or when it happened, were your brothers around? Was it just, you walk me through like the few weeks before and
Speaker 2 00:10:31 Yeah. So, um, me and my sister were the only ones left living in the house with our dad, but our other brother or the middle child, um, he came home from college just visiting. So he was in town, he was staying at the house in his room. And then my oldest brother was away in Mexico, I believe. I think he was on like a surf trip. Um, so yeah, so it was just me, my sister, and my older brother, the middle, middle brother. Um, and our dad during, when this happened, it was, uh, when I was 21 and then my brother was 23. So, I mean, that's really young too, looking back at it now.
Speaker 0 00:11:13 Very.
Speaker 2 00:11:14 Yeah. Um, we were all in the house and I would say we didn't expect anything. Um, do you want me to go into how, when it happened? Okay. Uh,
Speaker 0 00:11:26 If you're comfortable, like it's, I I'm trying to set the stage for kind of maybe the day before. Yeah. Um, normal day. Because that's usually when something like this happens, we go back and we look at the, yeah, what did we see? What do we remember? You know, so yeah, whatever you're comfortable with.
Speaker 2 00:11:41 So the day, which makes me like, I feel like we never got that. I don't, I wouldn't even say, um, comfort of having a note because I don't know if that's comforting. I don't know if I would've wanted that or what's better or worse. What could you say in the situation. But from the day before, I do remember him saying he wanted me to take him to church the next day. So in my mind he had plans for the next day, you know. Um, but one, the morning that it happened, my sister, uh, woke me up in kind of a fright. And I've never seen, I, I feel like in that moment remembering my body knew something was wrong and I never woke up as fast as I did. And I ran with her and didn't even question anything. She just brought me to our laundry room, was outside our house, so we always went outside to go do laundry.
Speaker 2 00:12:37 Um, she brought me into the laundry room and that's when my heart just sank. You see, uh, you see this, it's crazy even talking about it now, it's been 13 years and it still brings motions, but your hero just lifeless. And he, that's when we saw him commit suicide, he hung himself. And when I say that, I don't know what my sister went through because I did see it too. So I do have that hurt and that vision that you just can't get rid of. But my sister, I don't know, her experience was, she was the first one to find him and then have to go back with me. You know, it's where I don't even know how,
Speaker 0 00:13:17 First of all, I think saying, I think giving yourself the, it's been 13 years and it still brings emotion. I think you need to be kinder to yourself.
Speaker 2 00:13:25 Yeah. I
Speaker 0 00:13:26 Know. 13 years is nothing. Yeah. It's not, it's not a lot. And for being one of the most startling and intense moments of your life, it's gonna live inside you for a while. Yeah. Physically. So it's okay to, to have those feelings around it. It's terrifying. I didn't, many of us who have experienced suicide loss didn't ever get to see our family member. Like, I never saw my brother.
Speaker 2 00:13:54 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:13:55 I mean, a lot of us didn't get that. And, and like you said about the note, it could be good. It, it depends on the situation. Yeah. Um, whether it's comforting or not, I think that it really depends each situation. It depends on it. I think that you did experience a level of trauma by having to go back there with your sister and see that too. I think that's another level Yeah. That we need to give ourselves grace for. Um, do you remember, like I talk about the moment that I realized and like how everything stopped. Do you remember what you felt in those moments? The cloudiness. The fogginess?
Speaker 2 00:14:34 It was the fogginess and, um, so our, our dad, he definitely loved his beers. So to put a note in there too, um, he was definitely drinking the night before to where it also made me feel like, you know, know when you've drank and you've had just a night where you blacked out and you don't remember anything. Well, that made me feel like, did he, did he mean to do it? Like did he, you know, was he at one point waking up from that and like, holy, what am I doing? You know? Um, so when I, when that day came and there was that fog that I didn't know, you know, you don't know if this is real or what do you do? I don't even remember how family members and friends started coming. It was like, who called all these people? Like, it just times became like hours and it felt like a, a blink of an eye of like how many people already knew too. It was just very, very foggy in that moment.
Speaker 0 00:15:32 Yeah. So you were at your house then your brother was there. Yeah. Who was the first person besides your sister, because you guys were there together, who was the first person you saw after that that you had to experience this with?
Speaker 2 00:15:47 Oh, um, so to bring it back that we're a small town, I lived in my house for, uh, we, we were renters still, but I lived there and we had the same neighbors since I was in diapers. Um, it was our neighbor, his name was Bob. And he would be that guy whistling down the, you know, path of the next apartment's over. And he was the person outside our family. We saw that, we yelled to him and he knew our dad, you know, and him and my brother had to help get him down, which that's another feeling and trauma in itself that I wouldn't, I can't explain only my brother and have that feeling, you know?
Speaker 0 00:16:24 Right. And that's
Speaker 2 00:16:25 Another whole nother experience that's like, that's with the same story. You can have different, different visions, you know?
Speaker 0 00:16:34 How did you, how did you and Bob communicate? Do you remember that moment?
Speaker 2 00:16:39 I, I don't know if it was me or my sister. We saw him cuz he wakes up the earliest out of any of the neighbors. And I may, it may have been me, I don't, I don't even remember. But, um, someone screamed for him saying like, our dad, uh, please help. Our dad just killed himself. Um, and he ran as fast as he could too to just help take him down. And I think maybe it was my sister who was on the phone with the ambulance and they're, they're just saying, you have to try to try to somebody try to get him down. So that was, uh, my brother and Bob.
Speaker 0 00:17:15 What a sweet man.
Speaker 2 00:17:17 Yeah, I know. To even then you think back like, cuz years later I'm like, what have we put him through now? You know, like,
Speaker 0 00:17:25 Well, but don't think of it that way. Like what a sweet man to do that he loved your dad enough, you know, he loved
Speaker 2 00:17:30 Him. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.
Speaker 0 00:17:32 So then did you, and so you saw, you had your brother there, people started coming over bringing things Yes. I wanna move into the community now because the story of your community in general and we, we've heard about the paddle out, um, via Faces of Fortitude. And I'd, I'd love to have that this story end there. Not end there, but this part of the story. Yeah. And I want, um, I wanna hear how in those following days how your community supported you, how your family, you know, this is a very hard topic for people to support others on. Yeah. And a lot of times they don't know how. Yeah. And I would just, I think your community was small enough that it just, it just touched me the whole story. So I would love to hear how in those following days you felt supported.
Speaker 2 00:18:19 Oh, thank you. Um, I definitely, yeah, that's one thing I am super blessed for. And just, it was, uh, one thing I would like to say for our dad, like what I first thought suicide was so selfish, but our dad was the least selfish man. He had nothing and he would give you everything. Um, and people around him respected and loved him for that. Like, he was just an amazing human being that everyone in our town knew him. Um, so when it did happen and our community came together, it was like out of a movie. The most sad thing was so beautiful I've ever seen. Um, the first event they did was a car wash, I wanna say a few days, few days after our dad passed, however long it was, it was, it seemed really fast. It was down blocks and blocks and streets of people parking their cars, getting out to even help wash the car in front of them just to raise money for us for kids on like, what do we do now? Oh,
Speaker 0 00:19:22 That brings me to tears. That's so sweet. It
Speaker 2 00:19:25 Was the prettiest thing I've ever seen. Just people just trying to do anything to raise money. Um, then the local bar, um, San Petro Biko raised in a, an event there and just had, um, some friends sing and stuff in band's play. And it was just a community coming together, not even, you know, days have passed. Um, just celebrating his life, you know, in such a sad way. And just letting us know that we're gonna be okay. We have, you know, other adult figures that, you know, came over us to be like, you're not gonna be left alone. It was just like them taking care of TA's, little kids, how I felt at the moment.
Speaker 0 00:20:16 And then did they, and
Speaker 2 00:20:17 Then the paddle out was another,
Speaker 0 00:20:18 Right? So is that, was the paddle, so the funeral, was there a funeral or a memorial service funeral
Speaker 2 00:20:23 And then the, um, paddle out.
Speaker 0 00:20:25 So tell me about the service.
Speaker 2 00:20:26 We had a memorial service and then we did his ashes for the paddle out.
Speaker 0 00:20:30 Okay. Yeah. So tell me about the memorial service first.
Speaker 2 00:20:34 Um, that also too, so we, uh, there's this local beach there that you have to like, uh, drive down a huge hill cuz San Petro is very hilly. Um, and our beaches aren't like sand beaches, they're more reefy, so they're rocks and stuff, um, and cliffs. So that was amazing too. I've never seen the beach packed so much. And cars parked all the way up the hill. People walking down the hill, um, coming together as a community like that too, and just people sharing their stories was just, it made us feel like we weren't alone, you know? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And again, we were just kids. Uh, we were just, I was barely 21, so I felt like I'm gonna have to now grow. Like what do I do? You know? And paddle lots are just so beautiful. And I think I told you before, they're just so, it's a different kind of feeling of being in the water and it, that's a whole nother spiritual feeling in itself. And just, I wish there was an event for suicide awareness that was like, that, that was like the loss and having a paddle out for a surfer. It's just hard to,
Speaker 0 00:21:43 Will you, will you break it down for people? Because I don't think everyone knows what a paddle out is, and it's so beautiful to just kind of see in the photos. But I also feel like there's a spiritual level that not everybody gets either, you know? Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:21:58 So the, I mean, the ocean itself, if you just ever go into, into the ocean and that first dive into where you're completely underwater, to me, I, I feel like for most people it's, it is a spiritual feeling. You feel like at peace, you feel like you can't hear anything but peace. There's nothing, no noise, no, no influences going through your head. So a paddle out is usually was surfers, which our dad was a huge surfer. Um, you go and pay the respects in the ocean, so you, every, all the surfers grab their surfboards. Usually, like, um, the women or people who aren't gonna go paddle out will stand on the beach with that's beautiful in itself. And they cheer on the, the surfers that are going out to celebrate their life. So you paddle out and you all form a circle, hold hands, and there's one person in the middle, um, that's with the person with our dad's ashes. And us kids were in the middle and say kind of like a little, you know, a little prayer for that person. And they start, um, splashing waves, like for go ta you know, or whoever passed away and just cheering that celebration of life on for that person. And it just gives you goosebumps and different type of feel, you know? Um, and just the circle in the ocean is just a feeling I can't, it's just beautiful. And I'm, I'm blessed that I had that, you know,
Speaker 0 00:23:27 It was, it was such a beautiful picture. There were tons of people. Were there flowers in the water too?
Speaker 2 00:23:32 Yeah. Usually you, um, bring a lay or, and then you set that down for that person. So that's been one of my things that I'll do every year for him is go to the ocean. It's like my, my spot for my dad, you know?
Speaker 0 00:23:48 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you still do it every year?
Speaker 2 00:23:52 I still do it every year, yeah.
Speaker 0 00:23:54 Do other people in the town remember him and, and have those memories too that they share with you?
Speaker 2 00:24:01 Oh my gosh, so many people, um, in our town still, like, will message us and just check in and just like, I love, Hey, sorry my dog. It's
Speaker 0 00:24:11 Okay.
Speaker 2 00:24:11 Don't worry. I, I love any, any story that anyone can give, I will take it. I still love that, you
Speaker 0 00:24:19 Know, art. Those great, it's almost like Christmas, right?
Speaker 2 00:24:21 Yeah. And
Speaker 0 00:24:22 Because you're like, oh my God, I didn't know this about my dad.
Speaker 2 00:24:25 Yeah. And especially with our, your, you know, our dad's friends, it's like they have another relationship with our dad. Then I can't, I don't have that. Like, one, our dad has this best friend, his name's Harry, he's our godfather. Um, and losing your best friend is a totally different, you know, he knew our dad before we were even born
Speaker 0 00:24:46 <laugh>. Right.
Speaker 2 00:24:47 You know, that's, and so having him makes me feel a sense of, I still have a little piece of my dad. I have his best friend who's still here with us, you know? Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:24:58 That's, you're very lucky that Yeah. They all want those relationships with you too, you know? Yeah. After sometimes grief can be weird and it can break friendships and people up. And so I wanna talk about after now, you know, I, I think that's, it's a heavy story. I'm so grateful that you shared it. Um, I remember when you, when I first met you and you talked about your dad, I just remember thinking how, um, tender your story was and how tender your heart is. So I know it's hard for you to share specifically. So I'm appreciative of that. Thank you. Um, I want to talk about now, you know, it's, it's been some years and you're, you already feel like you're in a different emotional space than when you took your photos to me, which I think everyone is. Hopefully we all grow and, you know.
Speaker 0 00:25:48 Yeah. Um, but you know, with you and your sister and your brothers, um, how are things now through the grief? You know, you had to, there, there are nothing reminds us more of the loss and absence of our loved ones than life events. And I know you recently got married. Congratulations. You, um, birthdays, anniversaries, things like that. They're hard. Yeah. They're hard without our family members. And so I'd love to talk a little bit about how you are doing now, how your family members are doing now, that at all, and you know, how things are changing with your family dynamics now. I know you mentioned your mom.
Speaker 2 00:26:28 Yeah. Um, I do feel like now we've become definitely closer in it. You know, uh, you said I got married, um, and my husband, he's, he's been the best with, uh, letting me open up and having that safe space that's been different for me. And I feel like through the years that've passed, I'm definitely more open, um, and stronger enough to talk about it. I still battle holding a lot in, uh, which he's definitely helped me with. And then with my sister, she has two little ones. So that factor of her having kids and then my brother just had a baby. Um, you still get the, I wish he was here to see that, you know, there are little faces remind us so much of him and, and what he's missing. He would've been an amazing grandpa, you know. Um, and with our mom, you know, our parents, they loved each other, but they were, they got divorced when we were babies. Uh, and our dad had us full-time. So in a way, um, even though we miss, and I love my dad dearly, it's a way of our mom having her chance with us too now. And she's been nothing but amazing. She, we, you know, I feel like this is her time, which, um, obviously you would wish, I wish our dad was here, but I feel like she gets her a little moment with us too, you know? Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:27:56 Yeah. That is a great way of looking at it. And I think that it's probably, um, it's probably different connecting with her now Yeah. As an adult and with everything you've processed and gone through. Yeah. I'm sure you're able to see her side a lot easier.
Speaker 2 00:28:13 Oh yeah. And I, and I just realized that growing up, I'm, I'm now 34 and I look back, I think my parents were, my mom was 24 by the time she had all four of us kids. Wow. And my dad is maybe 27, so they were kids themselves. So it's like, I can't imagine the struggles they were going through and the things that they were thinking and the stresses that they had, but now growing, getting older, I wish, like I wish I knew more than that. It, that I know now that I could have been like, you guys are gonna, you're okay. We're okay. We don't need much, you know, we're happy. I feel like our dad battled with thinking, with, wondering if we loved him enough or if he was enough. You know,
Speaker 0 00:28:54 You think he battled with that. That's, that's hard.
Speaker 2 00:28:57 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:28:58 To, to, to think that, that our parents think that to a point of being so
Speaker 2 00:29:03 Sad in a sense. It's like that wondering game.
Speaker 0 00:29:07 Right.
Speaker 2 00:29:07 I wonder what you thought, I wonder what you were thinking. You know, that's, I wonder how it could have helped. It's even 13 years, like you said. I I still have those thoughts.
Speaker 0 00:29:17 Yeah. I, I remember Chris was then your fiance was when you started to get upset, emotional for the first time. And I could tell you were just, you weren't used to it and you were telling me that and he was so protective. Yeah. And so sweet and a little bit worried. And I, I see that control in your face. Still people, you know, people are only hearing this audio, but I can see your face as we're talking and I'm proud of, of you. Cuz I can tell you are you, you are more open than you were that day. Um, and it's, it's all in listening to ourselves and our capacity. Right. What we can handle.
Speaker 2 00:29:51 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:29:53 But, um, I wanna know now because I know, you know, like on Faces of Fortitude when you're still story's shared, people, especially with your story, there's a lot of people that come out of the woodwork with that one because they love the story of community. Um, there's something very, um, relatable in your photos, just, um, of your softness I think. And, um, I just, I'd love to know how sharing your story and how up till now has made you kind of go into conversations about suicide, about mental illness differently. Yeah. Being as Yeah. Somebody who's experienced it as a survivor, but also somebody who's in a little bit more of a public space talking about it.
Speaker 2 00:30:39 Yeah. I, I feel like I would say in the beginning I was more like ashamed to tell people that our dad passed away through that. You know, it was like almost like a defense. Like I had in me. Like, um, I don't want people to ever judge my dad. You know, like you don't know him. Like, even when I went to like therapy in the beginning, I was like, you don't know our dad. Like if, if you're trying to say he was a certain way you don't know him, and I would get this anger and like defensiveness, you know, but now I'm like, people go through it. People are depressed, people are, you know, it should be spoken about. It should be like a good conversation to have. It should be normal and natural to talk about your feelings and talk about that. You don't have to hold things in, you know, if you're feeling a certain way, you should, you should feel safe to talk about that. You know, to where I'm almost more like not ashamed anymore, more a fire lit under me of like, I don't want people to feel whatever he felt that day. You know, that's a sad place for human being to go, you know,
Speaker 0 00:31:44 That. Yeah. Good for you. It is hard and we always, you know, people are like, I understand your dad was depressed, and you're like, Hey, you don't know his story. You don't Yeah. I get a, I get it. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:31:55 Fired up and like, you don't know. And it's like, no, they're just trying to gimme their advice. Like I put, my husband always says, put your swords down <laugh>. You know, cuz I'm always like, ah,
Speaker 0 00:32:06 Sweet bar. What does he say that I love that
Speaker 2 00:32:09 He love that. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:32:10 Tell Chris I might use that. Put your swords down. That's true. But it's real. And especially when it's around suicide, you know, we've got a lot of people, um, and you were in a small community, so you don't actually probably, well maybe you did. There's a lot of people that are trauma tourists around this kind of thing. They want the gory details, they wanna know what happened, but they don't wanna really be there for the hard stuff.
Speaker 2 00:32:32 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:32:33 And that happens in suicide because we're in this, in this, uh, world of, you know, daher documentaries and binging true crime. It's just people want to hear that stuff because they don't really wanna look at their own stuff a lot of the time. Which I,
Speaker 2 00:32:50 It's, it's helped me. Um, you know, I've never judged anyone, but this is woke me up to like truly check myself and never do that. Especially with social media and like young kids that go through being cyber bullied. It's, that to me is just so sad. And like, you never truly know what someone is fighting and whether you think it's small, it could be huge to them, you know? And, um, yeah, I did a walk for suicide, like the out of the darkness walks those walks and that blew my mind and made me realize like, whoa, this is bigger than just something I've been through. This is like, yeah. So many people's stories just, and you're, you're Paige, just when I found you, it was like, I'm not alone. This is so much bigger than just one little story. It's so many stories that it touches and it touches so many people, you know, so
Speaker 0 00:33:47 And imagine
Speaker 2 00:33:48 Inspires me,
Speaker 0 00:33:49 Right? But, and imagine what if we even just took the volume up one more level, each of us when we're in a group of people or at dinner with friends or at a club even, and set it to one person. Yeah. I I do have, I did have a brother. I lost him to suicide. The amount of people that I connect to over that sentence is amazing. Yeah. Because people go, oh, I knew somebody, or I lost this, or I lost that to suicide. And you're just people, you have no idea.
Speaker 2 00:34:18 Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:34:18 Connect in some way, work, friends, whatever. And it, it drops walls and barriers so fast.
Speaker 2 00:34:25 Yeah. That's kind of a good way to say it too. It does drop walls and barriers and it brings people back to being like just human and just like Right. Feeling their, their soul, you know,
Speaker 0 00:34:39 And realizing that, like you said earlier, you're not alone, but you don't know, you're not alone with someone unless somebody has the courage Yeah. To be vulnerable for that one second to let that wall down. Because I'm telling you, if I go to a party and I hear, oh, you lost your brother's suicide, so-and-so over there actually lost a sibling to suicide. I g I will be that person's friend. Yeah. I will not leave without their phone number because I know what it feels like. So many of us knows what it feels like. We all wanna have that connection, that validation. Right.
Speaker 2 00:35:10 Yeah. Yeah. I
Speaker 0 00:35:12 Agree. I'm, I'm so, I'm so proud of you for doing this today. I wanna tell you because I know you and I know that you were nervous and I know that you don't, you, you're not, you weren't taught to be outwardly emotionally open like this and you're doing a lot of internal work to become that way. So I want you to know, I'm really proud of
Speaker 2 00:35:30 You. Aw, thanks so much. And I just thank you so much for even giving me the chance to, you know, you've really like helped me through the years to become open and I can't thank you enough.
Speaker 0 00:35:41 Well, I think your, um, your story has inspired me on many levels and I I would love to, um, I I would love to see if we can get you and your siblings together and take some pictures of you guys all together and really kind of share everybody's story together. Because love, love your family's really special and so's your community. So I think yeah, in some way or another when I can get my faces of fortitude book finished, we will get your family's story in there for sure. Oh,
Speaker 2 00:36:11 Thanks. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:36:13 Thank you for, uh, for being here today and for just, like I said, trusting me with this space and your story and sharing what you felt comfortable with. It was, it's perfect.
Speaker 2 00:36:24 Yeah. Thank you so much.
Speaker 0 00:36:28 Thank you so much for listening and holding space for the stories and heart spaces shared in this episode. I encourage you to visit the social media pages and websites of our guests as well as support their projects and endeavors that have sprouted from their pain. If you would like to apply to be a face in this project or are struggling and need help, please visit our website at faces of fortitude dot a RT for information on how to apply and visit the educate page on my website for a thorough list of support options. And until next time, please remember, this world is such a difficult place to live in right now for so many people. We never know what someone is going through. I hope you'll find a way to be softer with each other and yourself, and harder on the systems that are trying to silence, hurt and erase us. Take care out there and stay safe.
